This is Not for “Baby Mamas”

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Society has been blurring the lines between a "baby mama" and a single mother for far too long. So just to trace over and redefine that line, I want to be very clear. This is not a post for the baby mama. 

That means the going out every weekend while your child is at your mom's house types. The laid up with some random dude while your baby is crying because he's hungry, only to turn up your stereo louder to drown him out types. The ones with a 100% virgin remy fresh weave every week while your child can't even get school clothes, using your WIC check to buy sandwich meat for your "man" so he can have something to eat while he plays Call of Duty, or the twerking workshop giving to your two year old daughter so you can get Worldstar famous and meet 2 Chainz types. No boo. Not you.

 

This post is a salute to the real mothers out there that are making it happen on their own. Those women who cry themselves to sleep at night, not because they're lonely, but because they know their child deserves two parents but they're only capable of being one. The mothers who see their child's father spending money on random chicks while she's struggling to pay for daycare. Those who go to church with their children trying to steer them the right way, but have to endure hypocritical stares from all of the holier than thou's because she had children "out of wedlock" and has to take care of them on her own. Those mothers that try to ignore their own hunger pangs so their children will never know the feeling. Those mothers who lost their children's father to

single-mothers-need-pathway-out-of-poverty

death, or something completely out of their control, but have to live in a society that judges first, asks questions later. Those strong, may bend but never break, never giving up, faith having, single mothers. I salute you.

I had the honor of witnessing one of you first-hand growing up.  She earned a degree, started her own business, and raised 4 children by herself thus proving that her God was bigger than her trials. I'm her youngest and I couldn't be more proud to call her my mother. No longer to be confused with "baby mama".

 

Edit: Nov. 25th: To read my debut novel, A Cheating Man's Heart, click here-> http://www.amazon.com/Cheating-Mans-Heart-Derrick-Jaxn-ebook/dp/B00GPVD2US

 

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Author: DerrickJaxn

Derrick Jaxn is a lifestyle blogger, motivational speaker, and author. He consistently delivers raw truth with a passion and can emotionally connect with anyone no matter how alone you thought you were. If you read it, there's a good chance he writes it, but you won't get it like this from anywhere else. Follow him on Twitter & Instagram @DerrickJaxn.

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48 Comments

  1. Love this post!! Growing up with a single mother myself, I can only imagine what she endured to make sure my sister and I had everything we needed. Let’s catch up when you get a chance — can’t wait to hear about the writing project! Plus, I’ll be in ATL and NC for business this fall. ~Simone

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    • I feel this piece. I grew up in a single parent house hold as well and this really hits home. There are to many baby mommas out there and not enough mothers and wives.

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      • I’m glad I could give you something to relate to. Thank you for your support.

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    • This is beautiful! My mother was a single mother that has always made sacrifices and continues to makes sacrifices for me to this day. She is now putting me through college abroad. A baby mama is not selfless enough to do that!

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  2. This is much needed from our own. Thanks for this post Derek. Much Respect, Black Man!

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  3. Well written. I have the privilege of being called mom. And working my butt off to give them a privileged life.

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    • Keep working kelly. Your little one(s) will appreciate it even more when they’re old enough to realize what you had to do.

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  4. Thank you. I’m a single mother doing things by myself. Some say I’m crazy for not asking nor seeking child support. I feel as if why should I make him take care of his own child. I would rather him spend time with her rather than send a check and never see her. So I thank you for this post.

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    • I thank you for reading it Lennie. As for child support, it’s not about making him care, it’s about holding him accountable. He deserves to bear half of the financial burden at minimum. You didn’t make the child by yourself. But if it’s something you feel comfortable with, then do your thing. I wish you the best and am already proud of you.

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  5. YES!! Thank you for this post! As a “real” mother that is holding it down despite the odds, I appreciate you for explaining the difference to all those who have no idea that there IS a difference!

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  6. Wonderful, I don’t consider my self to be the best mom in the world, but with Gods help I give all that I can to my boys. Worldly education is a must, but Spiritual education is a requirement in my home.

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  7. Had a mother much like your own Derrick. She worked hard to raise five children alone having been twice divorce with no help from either ex. She cleaned other people’s homes, worked on assembly lines and anything else she could do to take care of her family so she wouldn’t have to rely on public assistance. Sadly she too was diagnosed with a terminal illness and at the age of 40 succumbed to a peaceful transition to heaven. Her youngest was 6 years old and the eldest was 17. Needless to say, the ride after her death was filled with rocky and turbulent roads. However we all persevered even after being told countless times that we wouldn’t be anything or do anything with our lives by those who chose to take us in. My oldest succumbed to the same illness that took our mother. She was 56 years old and her five children were all adults and living on their own. The people who “took us in” said we would all die at young ages because we were ungrateful but they ended up losing two of their four children who were just in their 20’s. We may not be the richest people living but we all do well enough to pay our bills and live somewhat of a comfortable life. I take my hat, hair wig and weave off to all those mom’s who do all they can for their children and who deserve the title of “Real Mom’s”!!

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  8. My mom raised 4 girls on her on was a waitress put herself through school. Then got a job at the police station then bought us a simple house.She tried very hard but all of us got married young but she still was there for us through all of are problems.

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  9. Although I’m a mother, through and through, and single by choice (divorce), I can’t help but feel that those mamas need our love, prayers and support, as opposed to more degradation. I’ve learned, over the years, that spreading light is beneficial to both the giver and the receiver. Just my take.

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    • There’s a difference between degradation and holding an adult accountable for their actions. It’s amazing how you read all of this, and made no mention about the positive for those mothers who are doing the right thing. No matter how much there is that’s positive to focus on, it’s unfortunate that we have to pick a part for something that “should” be different. Just my take.

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  10. Whats being said in this comment is fact,I have 4 children & was told because we were placed into the projects my kids wasn,t going to be about nothing,but guess what all them non believers are EATING CROW TODAY LOL.I worked my but off so they had the best I could afford and I was very involved in their schools & activities. I am saying that to say this HOW YOU LIKE ME KNOW THIS MOTHER IS FORREAL…

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    • Brothers will never get the credit we deserve in just about anything man. lol

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  11. THANK YOU for writing. Too many times those phrases are confused. I am a single mother. My daughter was the result of a 4 yr relationship ending 3 yrs too late. I chose to raise my daughter in a happy home. I never thought her father would basically disown her. I am college educated and have held a professional position for over 5 yrs. My daughter was not born until I was 25. I can count on both hands and have fingers left the # of times my daughter has spent the night elsewhere and she’s 4 1/2. She comes first. I chose for her to be here. I will take care of her.

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  12. Beautiful! Made me cry just reading it! knowing so many others out there like myself have went through an will go through this throughout time. It’s nice to hear that someone understands the struggle us as single mothers face daily. I don’t think alot of people appreciate nor acknowledge what it truly takes to try and be not only a good mom but also some sort of father figure as well. Being not only the loving caring understanding nurture but also the strong disciplinary consistent protector and provider as well. God has truly blessed me with two amazing children that I appreciate love and adore! He is so amazing in His works and I could not imagine life without His guidance and grace! I am no where near where I want to be as a mother/child of God but all I know is with His strength I can overcome and endure any and everything that stands in my way! Great article and thank you for these words!

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  13. What a beautiful tribute to your mother!

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  14. As a tear rolls down my face, I empathize with this and thank you for the salute. No weapon formed against me shall prosper…more than a conqueror #FavoreDoc

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  15. I to was raised by a strong woman who in total had Mental Health issues, my Mum never allowed it to break her and Mum raised eight children , myself being the youngest. Mum is my role model… reading this article made me feel all that she put aside for us. I too was a single Mother with 4 sons and a destructive past just to give u some indication I was 16 when I had my first son and followed on to have 3 sons before 21, however I managed a Corporation at the age of 22 and went on to greater things and now I have my own business… Thanks Derrick…..

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  16. Derrickjaxn ur post made me cry becuz I am a single mother of two beautiful kids and I wouldnt change them for the work. Thank u for proving the difference between a “baby mama” and a single mother.
    Thanks,
    Katherin k.

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  17. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! How amazing is it for a male to salute and show appreciation for all us single mothers out here. Rather than “go in” of how we got ourselves in this situation, we chose him, its nobody’s fault but your own, WE GET APPRECIATION! One thing I have learned as a single mother is that God causes all things to work out for MY GOOD because I love him. I have learned to appreciate everything he CUT, TOOK, or ORDERED out of my life. I now understand the importance of not settling just because you have a child with someone and to realize that you can still and will still have an amazing FAMILY unit just orchestrated with God’s ABSOLUTE best for you! We are so fortunate to raise Kings and Queens. I will continue to trust God in parenthood and raise my sweet baby girl in the fear and ammunition of God. Thank you oh so much for this blog! I’d be a fool to not continue supporting your gift.

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  18. I can surely relate to this, because I have been a single mother since the day my child was born, his father has gotten married since and his wife always seem to call me a baby mama. I don’t entertain her ignorance, because I am a full-time student, mother, and employee….I am make Sure me and my son is at church every sunday, and wensday also, there have been many times I didn’t have money to eat, but my baby has never went to bed hungry. When daycare needs to be paid he always tell me i need a man.I use to always at night, but as time progressed I learned that I’m better off raising my child by my self than to have a no good man in his life….

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  19. How touching! I am a single mother! I hope I do as good of a job as your mother did and the crayon notes and drawings showing appreciation from my children become something like this in the future, a great career a wonderful person active in their community . Your mother did a great job!!

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  20. I was caught in this question for years. Even though we make it and may even do pretty well, a child can always benefit from that extra support. A savings, extracurricular activities, sports music so on. I feared the backlash. I am now in court proceedings for my youngest child from an 7 year relationship. I am also pregnant with our second child that he will not even claim because he does not want the responsibility. Its stressful but I am counting on God the real judge in the court to work on my behalf. As for my 2 older ones their father contributes no questions asked. Its a personal choice at the end but I think a man should be held accountable and Child Support is a last resort if something cant be worked out between the parent.

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  21. Through all the blogs & things I read via social media, newspaper….etc this is by far the BEST i have read. THANK YOU for pointing out & giving a little incite to what US SINGLE MOMS HAVE TO DEAL WITH. I love this article and I will be passing this on to everyone I know.

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    • That’s whasup Dawnielle,

      I appreciate your support. I hope you continue to stay tuned for more.

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  22. I absolutely love this! I am the single mother that you are talking about. I have four children. I have cried countless noghts wondering how I was going to provide for my kids. I have lived in a hotel with my kids because I couldnt do any better at the time. I am a high school graduate. I am currently pursuing my BBA and my dream is to own my own boutique. I have been called names from people because I have four kids and I dont have a man around to help me take care of them. I too get the stares. I have been knocked down so many times I need knee pads but I get back up and I keep pushing because I have four children that lean and depend on me. No, I dont have random men in and out of my house. No, a man cant beat me. No, he cant eat up my food when I have four mouths to feed. So to all that have a small mind and think that just because I have four kids and no man would “ever want me.” I have new for you. I’m single because I have yet to find a REAL man that is willing to pick up the plate another man left at the table.

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  23. Indeed! I am definitely not your average single mom. I encourage my son to be with his dad, and despite our differences post our 9 year relationship, I make sure he gets as much daddy time as possible. My son is special needs (autism), so maybe that is what also keeps me grounded and focused. Since being on my own though: 4 year degree, house, great job, and lots of business opportunities. It is tough at times. I know the side by side effect of seeing a mom and dad in the same home is crucial to a child (my parents are in their 35th year of being married), and though it bothers me that my son is not seeing that, I am not going to rush into anything for him to see that. When it’s time, the right person will appear. Stay patient ladies and build a better self and life first!

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  24. This is exceptional!! As a divorced mother of 6 amazing children, I can humbly say God has been our everything. Don’t get me wrong; I have made my share of mistakes, but I have learned that God and my children are the most important thing. Almost at the end of my M.S., I can truly say he has guided me through and has allowed us to live a wonderful life in HIM!! I do feel for the younger women who have not been taught that they are worthy of more. We just need to continue to educate the young men and women to want more for themselves out of life and value their worth. Thank you Derrick for yielding yourself to the cause.

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  25. Although I agree with you Derrick, that it is the responsibility of the father to help support his child, as a divorced mom who has seen way too many mamas from both camps, let me put a little something on your mind.

    I raised 2 beautiful young men with the understanding that it was totally unacceptable that they come strolling in my house talking about a baby mama. Just like I raised them to understand that going to high school/college was NOT optional. And for those of you who will post your “maybe you could afford to…”. No, I couldn’t. I didn’t worry about that. I was making $5.75 an hour when I seperated from my husband. When I went to an attorney, he was planning on sticking it to my ex for so much money, he would have had to move back in with me and my children. I don’t THINK so. The whole purpose of the exercise was to get rid of him…duh. why did i want to get rid of him? that is the REAL ISSue HERE. You would think that after my attempts to look out for the best interests of my children and not subject him to any unnecessary hardship in the process he would have found Jesus or something, but he didn’t. This is not some random man I slept with. This was my high school sweetheart who asked me to marry him 3 years before we had a child. We were in the midst of wedding preparations when I got pregnant. The warning signs were there, and I ignored them. I agree with Lennie, I would rather have a happy productive BROKE father in my child’s life than a make good money a@#hole. I did not want to have another child (my oldest son’s father had passed on) but he did. He brought strife and unhappiness to my kids’ life, and he was PAYING child support based on what HE said he could pay. Not me. Not the courts. He resented it, not because I brought baby mama drama, but because I DIDN’T. He hated the fact that my kids were more important than his selfish need, (and my refusal to be impressed by his attempts) to be a fat, balding player. I blame myself for not doing a better job of picking a father for my kids. AFter all , it was MY choice, not his. It is always the woman’s choice. That’s why I told my sons to be careful AND let their girlfriends know “I ain’t got time for that”. I am so tired of the whole judging single mom thing I don’t know what to do. What I would like to see is more comments/articles about young people BEING RESPONSIBLE before they become parents. AND REAL LIFE INSTRUCTION ON HOW TO DO THAT. Hell, I’d like somebody to start advocating sexual abstinence for anyone under the age of 21. I think it should be a law :). In any event, while single moms making it work IS something to kudo, those girls in the clubs who DON’T know how to be mamas need REAL HELP, not criticism. Some of them are SECOND AND THIRD GENERATION??!!! If you don’t know any better, how do you DO any better? We generally only address the results, not the issues. Trust me, there were many nights I wish I could just get drunk and forget all that and I am not going to lie, some nights I did. SMH.

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    • Hi Stine,
      Thank you for reading my article. As far as the criticism, in this article there is none. There’s absolutely nothing that degrades or condescends “baby mamas”. It simply differentiates using specific references to actions that set them apart. I intentionally make it clear who I am and who I am not talking to. I don’t imply that the father isn’t helping support but at times when his “baby mama” has the child, what is he supposed to do? Hover over her? No, we always find ways to share blame to the fathers. For once we want to completely hold those accountable who don’t do their jobs as parents only in efforts to exalt those who do.

      I’m less focused on providing negligent mothers with “Real Help” and more so with mothers who are sacrificing everything and not sure if they can go on with the encouragement to keep pushing. The thing about a baby mama is, nobody requires you to continuously make children you can’t or don’t want to take care of. So my sympathy and tolerance level is low for those who do so with no regard to the well being of the child. But those single mothers who accept responsibility with or without the help of a father are at the top of my priority list and we need more like them. Rarely do we hear encouragement for them, but instead they receive the same bashing intended for “baby mamas”.

      As far as encouraging celibacy for young adults, it’s not too late for you to start writing. Seems like you have your subject already in mind.

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  26. Love this Derrick, Thanks for the tribute, am a single mom to a 3yrs old princess and she just means everything to me!!

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  27. Yaah – gotta thank Demi Moore for starting the trend of overexposure in the superpregnant state. Thanks for the funny pics. So here’s something I wonder about with all this… WHY do women think it’s ok to carry a dude’s child, when the dude isn’t good enough to marry? Something’s wrong with this scenario. Seriously. If he isn’t good enough to marry, he’s not good enough for you to blend your genes with. It’s no honor to be called a baby mama – it’s an insult. That says the woman wasn’t good enough to be called wife, after all. No way would I tolerate that as a woman.

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  28. Loved this. Very well written. Your mother damn sure did a great job! I look forward to reading more from you!

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  29. Thank you derrick for this article I’m so glad someone finally expressed the difference between a baby mama and a single mother I’m a single mother of a 9year old and every thing we do and every struggle we go through is for our kids to have better society for so long has put baby mamas and single mothers in the same category in which a single mother is a huge difference from a baby mama as you stated in your article so thank you for expressing the difference and thank you for acknowledging us for all that US as single mothers do and sacrifice for kids

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  30. Wow this is excellent!!!!!! Not everyone understands the sacrifices that single mothers make. I’m a single mother with 2 boys. I work full time, help my parents because there health is failing, and making sure I spend every ounce of my time with my kids to raise them to be God fearing men. My 8 year old has a father who has never been in his life. I don’t beg for money, time, or anything because sometimes a child is better off without a father if that father degrades him, abuses him, lies to him, etc. I bought a house to show my boys it can be done. I have a BA as well. I was denied assistance for medication although I have a brain tumor that is cancerous. I was told I have a car in my name and a house in my name. It’s punishment. But I would go through it all again if I had to just to have my 2 boys. They are wonderful and not a day goes by without me thanking God for them. So thank you for this post. It came at the right time!!

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  31. That was beautiful…

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