The Single Boyfriend

Written by: Derrick Jaxn

There's this term that as of late, has been run in the ground, pulled up, and run back into the ground again called "loyalty". I'm sure you've seen it a million times on Instagram/Facebook memes, or recycled tweets. We all have. But the more we use the word, the more desensitized to that actual meaning we get.

yuuuuppFor example: The Single Boyfriend. He's in a relationship, but he doesn't want everyone in his business, so he keeps it to himself. He has a faithful girlfriend that's giving him all her trust, so he puts it to the test by staying out late, keeping his phone on silent, and having a combination lock to his laptop. Truth be told, there's some things in there he can't explain but what she doesn't know won't hurt him. Besides, if she really trusts him, it shouldn't concern her anyway.

Oh and when he's out, he's charitable with his lustful attention and likes to keep other chicks' hopes up with his wandering eyes and a few hugs that last too long.  Now, technically, he's still faithful. He doesn't have any feelings for these other women, nor does he take it so far as cuddling, dates, or even sex. So in his mind, it's all good because he doesn't cross the line and his girlfriend is satisfied because he comes home to her every night. All in the interest of being secure enough with herself to not worry.

Well this is the problem with that. Even though he's being faithful in his relationship, he's still acting single. It's not that he has ill intentions so we can't induct him into the Ain't-Shit fraternity, but he has some growing up to do before his 20/20 hindsight comes a day late and a dollar short, losing him a good woman.

Acting single while in a relationship is nothing more than trying to have your cake and eat it too. You want to have a great woman at home who's willing to do anything for you, but you also value the lust of random chicks that desire you. So you give them attention that you want reciprocated, lead them on, and wash your hands with them when they want more, all the while thinking it's a testament to your faithfulness because you know just when to pull dating-18back.

But what you don't know is that every female you flirt with, and every person that sees you flirting with her, is one less person who's going to give your woman the respect she deserves for holding you down. The little things you do, the pet names you use; those are all things that a woman who loves you values. It loses value when you start sharing it with randoms. How proudly would you bring your girl around your boys if they could see her every weekend doing splits on a stripper pole?

"She shouldn't be worried about other people's opinions," Well she doesn't have a choice when you turn the negative opinions into facts.

A few years ago, I was that guy. I considered it a part of my personality to be charming and what I called "social". I was 20something years old, in college and didn't see a problem with making other girls blush so long as I didn't take things too far.

kenya-moore-fioneWhat I didn't know is that a lot of girls aren't used to being treated halfway decent. So the moment you make them feel special, only for them to later find out that you've already filled the spot they were trying out for, they're going to be proactive in making your woman feel like they do; played. Miserable girls can't stand to see you happy without them. So the next time she gets a chance to talk to your girlfriend, those innocent hugs will become "he was all over me" and the flirtacious convo will turn into "he was trying to talk to me". And at the end of the day, it'll be your fault. Because your actions weren't consistent with your relationship status. A relationship status you didn't make known from the very beginning.

An immature mind believes that "loyalty" is about whether or not you're a cheater. But someone who knows better will tell you that loyalty is about respecting your partner by the way you represent them, even when they're not around.

Being a Single Boyfriend will leave you just...single. For the girlfriend that's in every dude's face and never misses an opportunity to get in the club free before 11; yes, it goes both ways.

-Derrick Jaxn

 

P.S. My book, A Cheating Man's Heart, is available now on Amazon -> http://www.amazon.com/Cheating-Mans-Heart-Derrick-Jaxn-ebook/dp/B00GPVD2US

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Author: DerrickJaxn

Derrick Jaxn is a lifestyle blogger, motivational speaker, and author. He consistently delivers raw truth with a passion and can emotionally connect with anyone no matter how alone you thought you were. If you read it, there's a good chance he writes it, but you won't get it like this from anywhere else. Follow him on Twitter & Instagram @DerrickJaxn.

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50 Comments

  1. Very true, I love your insights. Can’t wait for your book. Keep being inspiring Mr. Jaxn

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    • Thanks Tasha, I’m just trying to spread the truth through lessons I’ve learned. I can’t wait to get you all the book, I think you’ll love it.

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      • “But what you don’t know is that every female you flirt with, and every person that sees you flirting with her, is one less person who’s going to give your woman the respect she deserves for holding you down. The little things you do, the pet names you use; those are all things that a woman who loves you values. It loses value when you start sharing it with randoms. How proudly would you bring your girl around your boys if they could see her every weekend doing splits on a stripper pole?”

        I was shaking my head in agreement until the last sentence. Everything you described as a good woman that was me. However, because I was a pole instructor at a nationally known studio I was told I relinquished to receive his respect. The classes were all female and every 3months we would do a show for the friends and family of the students. Do you think that is a reason to not give someone the “loyalty” that they are giving you?

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        • Hi, thanks for reading my blog.

          You say you were a pole instructor and the classes were all female. The implication of “your boys seeing her every weekend doing splits on a stripper pole” implies something completely different. A few key words were “boys”, “every weekend” and “stripper pole” so the last sentence actually doesn’t apply to your situation as you stated.

          The question wasn’t “should you be loyal to her”, the question was how proud a guy would be to bring his girlfriend around his boys. That’s speaking to the respect she’s given him while he wasn’t around. So being a pole instructor(in my opinion) isn’t disrespectful to a relationship, but it’s certainly up to anyone’s opinion. I hope this helps clear things up.

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  2. Wow… I am pretty sure many woman have read this and saw their boyfriend or ex boyfriend in this… Do men read this and see themselves!

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  3. Mr. Jaxn- yet again you have nailed it.

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  4. Wisdom in a relationship will enhance any relationship while romance can easily fizzle if both parties aren’t in tuned to the other’s need to be respeced. As usual… gret story. God Bless U Derrick.

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  5. I absolutely love your post. I’m not sure if you are single or not but either way according to your post, you didn’t have things in prospective but it sounds like you do now. I can not wait to read your book. The more posts I read from you, the more intrigued I become by your intellect. You may not know it but your posts makes good wonen like myself feel a breath of fresh air just to know good men still exist. Very happy for you. Please keep up the good work. I really enjoy your posts.

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  6. Great article! Waiting for the book.

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  7. Love this from a guys point of view. I had one of those boyfriends and would not take it so I decided to end the relationship. I can’t wait for your book!!

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  8. You are so on point. I recently had the not so pleasure of being w a guy like this but he did cross the line. Then went nuclear when I enlightened his girl as to his actions. I am not one of those women that is into that whole side chick lifestyle. I was raised old school 1 person dating at a time. I hope more men do read your blog and realize that how they act is NOT ok and is disrespectful. Thank you for your blogs as always I enjoy your writing and what you share w/your audience keep up the good work sir :)

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  9. To a certain degree I am sure that most men that read this can see a bit of themselves but I do not think that is exclusively a bad thing. I might be outside of the bubble on this one but one has to realize that men have their own struggles with self esteem even if they do not go out of their way to protect it. I think that assuming that a man acting this way has only the desire of “having his cake and eating it too” is a bit unfair. Rarely are peoples motivations for things that simple. Ladies might say that one of the things that they love about their man is confidence however where does that confidence come from? Being confident, attractive, and always knowing the right thing to say to get your heart pounding, those are not inherent talents, those are learned skills and each and every time he makes a female blush he gets a bit of self confirmation of “Yeah I still got it”. Females do this all the time, they will gussy up in full makeup, get their hair done, nails done, the works all to get glances from men at their job. Not because they seek any further relationship with those onlookers, but because it gives them a boost to their self esteem to know that others find her attractive. This same thing goes for men. I am not implying that it is ok to pretend to be single, in fact I agree that such things can be harmful for a relationship. However when discussing relationship behavior one needs to focus equally on the motivations as well as the action itself. Not every misdeed comes from malicious intent and not every male transgression is the root of some secrete desire to be single.

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    • Hey what’s up Jalen. “Having your cake and eat it too” was specifically referring to a man who’s in a relationship, but still acting single. The exact quote was “Acting single while in a relationship is nothing more than trying to have your cake and eat it too.” The quote as I stated was indeed fair, I think your interpretation may have skewed things a bit. It doesn’t refer to a man who simply enjoys getting compliments, of course that’s not the problem. It refers to a man who acts on them at the expense of the respect of his significant other. Even if it’s not clear-cut cheating, it’s still disrespectful.

      As far as where a man’s confidence comes from, those are not inherent things but are they really based on physical compliments of others? Others who you’re not in a relationship with? That’s hardly dependable. I would hope that my girlfriend/wife would never get my compliments and attention, and deem it ‘not sufficient’ then go out and “gussy up” for other men to gawk at her. I would also hope that her confidence lies in things other than her physical attributes.

      When you say focus on the motivations, I partly agree. But rather, why is there such a void of confidence and self-esteem that you must go out and act on them? What is it you don’t love enough about yourself that it’s become a “need” for others to validate you? Those are things you handle before you get in a relationship.

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  10. This article is “spot -on!” This is the stuff that I try time and time again to explain to my boyfriend, it doesn’t matter that you don’t actually go that far and have sex with other women that should make the flirting and inappropriate contact with other women ok, bottom line is, people on the outside looking in don’t know that, and will think of me as a joke because they see the stuff you do when I’m not around.

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    • Hey Rianna, thanks for reading. It’s common for us(men) to simply not understand what the problem is especially if it’s not being done to us. You should direct the focus away from “cheating” and towards “respect” then come up with a synonymous situation vice versa that he can compare it too. For instance if you were in every guy’s face, stripping, etc. How would he feel about it? Hope that helps. Thanks for stopping by :)

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  11. My last serious relationship was that ‘single-boyfriend” relationship. Right on point.

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  12. This has been an ongoing issue in my relationship. This article was well written. I needed to hear this from a REAL & TRUTHFUL man’s point of view. Thank you!!!

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  13. I want to start off with I respect your opinion on this, I wish there were more men that know and understand the term loyal. However It’s unfortunate that when you describe the other “women” who tempts the man into flirting it was met with negative connotations. Whey were they labeled as “randoms”, “chicks”, I was anticipating even seeing other degradable terms to describe them. Why is the female/women more at fault than the actual man who is proposing the flirting. I also agree to a certain degree with Jalen; at times you need the boost of confidence as you grow older, and unlike the women you are with who sees you through the lens of love, may sometime need that ego booster. In all I’m sure you will captivate many readers with this, but I was just a little disappointed in slandering the women (not chicks) when they are just reciprocating was is given to them by the man who is suppose to be loyal.

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    • Hey what’s up Sandy, thanks for reading. I describe the other women as randoms/chicks because of the role they’ll later play in trying to sabotage a happy home as well as the role they play to the single boyfriend who already has a woman. Everything is in the context of what’s going on in his world, and that’s how he’s viewing them. They’re not “wifey” or even other “women”. They are indeed just ‘chicks’ the same way he’d probably be just another “nigga” if they were to describe him(after the fact). I never said they’re more at fault, I actually point out that he’s misleading them and the entire article is calling him out on his faults and why he needs to grow up.

      Both you and Jalen are entitled to your opinions about the confidence boost. I’d rather not have a woman that blushes from the attention of other men. I’ve never met someone who already had an abundance of confidence and high-self esteem that “needed” an ego booster from outsiders but I digress.

      Your disappointment is from such a minute detail, and misses the larger point of the article which addresses the gray area men conveniently occupy because of a lack of defined lines drawn by both themselves and their partner to focus on what the “chicks” and “randoms” are referred to. But thank you for reading.

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  14. Well, Well, Well… that was my first time being enlightened, by your powerful words and I do appreciate knowing that I’m not crazy!! I in fact have a single boyfriend that is simply tip toeing on VERY thin ice and having the opportunity to read your article was a blessing and it gave me a reason to exhale. Thank You and I so look forward to reading more of your truths. (Male name….but All WOMAN)

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  15. Cool name. Cool insights! And I loved (albeit ridiculously so), that you wrote “chicks’.” Good grammar has seemed to escape our masses.

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  16. ^^^^ That sounds like things side chicks says. I have a friend who is getting married and likes to go out and bag chicks because he can. Now if you’re about to get married then where is this need for attentional attention? Just enjoy the marriage, your wife to be. Everyone is seeking attention. It’s so self-serving and narcissistic. Lust is real and it must be addressed. Stop walking right into lust to feed your ego.

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    • I agree. There’s some personal issues that need to be addressed before you get into marriage if it still gives you butterflies to bag other chicks. Every relationship has high’s and low’s so naturally his go-to when the lows come will be to do what? Escape to other chicks to feed his ego.

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  17. What happens when the “Single Boyfriend” does more than flirt…he mentally stimulates your mind. Then this man kisses you several times, and moves his hands up and down your body like this will be his last moment of any type of intimacy? To my dismay I came across a man like this…maybe it’s beyond the title of your article the “Single Boyfriend”and I’m taking this to a whole other level but what happens when the boundaries are falling apart!?

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  18. Well said Jalen. Ladies stop thinking reading all these types of books gives you the insight you need. When was the last time you read the BOOK completely through with aggression. That’s all the insight you need. Stop going after these men that you know is the opposite of what is meant for you. Stop saying that you are seeking HIM and really do it.

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  19. I don’t even think so, very rarely. It’s a lot of those here in Atlanta. I see this everyday almost, it is not hard to miss.

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  20. Great read! This is something to make you go hmm. We all think a little flirting is cool (even me) but you never think about it from your mate’s perspective. We all just want to feel like we still got it.

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  21. What a VERY insightful, powerful and well written article. It’s nice to see someone have an HONEST perspective that doesn’t point fingers or give a biased opinion. It is so true that this avenue goes both ways. Loyalty truly is about RESPECTing not only YOUrself, but if you’re in a relationship respecting your partner in ALL ways, at all times. Our behavior is an indicator of our character, regardless to who is looking. Honesty comes at a high price, you can’t expect it from cheap people. Just because a man OR woman is “home every night” doesn’t equate to them “keeping it REAL.” (REAL…Remember Everybody Ain’t Loyal)

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  22. Nah, I just read this and saw a dude trying to appeal to women by reaffirming their world view.

    There’s no real insight here. Some men are in relationships and flirt with other women? I’m shocked. Presenting this as some universal truth or subtly suggesting this is the default just makes this cheesy.

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    • Lol @ “random dude” as a name. Your opinion fits the description of one perfectly.

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  23. Not sure if “C” was commenting on me in regards to that’s what side chicks say. But let me clarify. I am a grown women a women of particular age who had her daughter murder by a female who was mislead by her finance/son’s father side lover. The women who murder my daughter is surfing time for her murder but was caused by what started off as innocent flirtation “in da club” which les up to more not so innocent flirtation that les to a romance and later on the so call sabotage of his relationship with my daughter. Though my story may be to an extreme is showcases what could happen to this so call flirtation. I blame my grandson’s father. He led another women on he was the one responsible for my daughters murder because he wanted to act single. This women though I am still trying to forgive through god was the one who acted out through passion from what she was mislead with by this coward. So to the pose C I really forgive you if you reference that comment towards me. .

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  24. It’s as if the majority of the respondents act as if real people don’t have real egos to nurture or overcome. If a man flirts to build his self esteem, because that his way validating himself, so be it. At some point he’ll learn he doesn’t need to validate himself that way and find other avenues, but he has to get there on his own. And, a women’s ego must be equally sensitive if the perception of what your man may or may not be doing affects your mood. Flirting while being in a relationship is a selfish act. But does that really make it wrong? If he’s not “technically” cheating, then “technically”, it shouldn’t be an issue.

    Sometimes these interactions with other women is what keeps the attributes that attracted his woman, sharp. If he’s not crossing the line then he is being considerate of the consequences.

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  25. Just got the book on Kindle cant wait to start reading.
    Thanks and keep writing.

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  26. Where can I but this book?

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  27. Wow. This is amazingly accurate. I was definitely this dude just as recently as my past relationship. Great insight given.

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  28. Quote: Miserable girls can’t stand to see you happy without them. So the next time she gets a chance to talk to your girlfriend, those innocent hugs will become “he was all over me” and the flirtacious convo will turn into “he was trying to talk to me”.

    So guys need to walk on eggshells around other women, because women will exaggerate what actually happened to their woman? I’m all for respecting the sanctity of a relationship and having boundaries but this blog seems to also be saying that guys need to exercise exceptional caution when dealing with other women so not to provoke their insecurities. Even in my single world, I’ve seen women I’m “dealing with” having other guys in public come up and flirt with them (and vice versa) and they would briefly entertain them to not be rude, but both parties knew who they were going home with so there was no need for a jealous response from the other. A lot of the time, jealous people attract jealous people. When I do decide to settle down, it certainly won’t be with anyone I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with. There is a reasonable level of tact and respect that a relationship should have, and then there’s just that jealous element that some people really need to get over.

    In the black community, there’s also the fact that (at least in my city) there are A LOT of black women with a lot going for them, but a shortage of black men with the same; which gives way to men being much more selective when choosing partners. Annoyingly jealous women are usually eliminated from the pool of candidates early in my observation and experience.

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  29. Quote: Miserable girls can’t stand to see you happy without them. So the next time she gets a chance to talk to your girlfriend, those innocent hugs will become “he was all over me” and the flirtacious convo will turn into “he was trying to talk to me”.

    So guys need to walk on eggshells around other women, because women will exaggerate what actually happened to their woman? I’m all for respecting the sanctity of a relationship and having boundaries but this blog seems to also be saying that guys need to exercise exceptional caution when dealing with other women so not to provoke their insecurities. Even in my single world, I’ve seen women I’m “dealing with” having other guys in public come up and flirt with them (and vice versa) and they would briefly entertain them to not be rude, but both parties knew who they were going home with so there was no need for a jealous response from the other. A lot of the time, jealous people attract jealous people. When I do decide to settle down, it certainly won’t be with anyone I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with. There is a reasonable level of tact and respect that a relationship should have, and then there’s just that jealous element that some people really need to get over.

    In the black community, there’s also the fact that (at least in my city) there are A LOT of black women with a lot going for them, but a shortage of black men with the same; which gives way to men being much more selective when choosing partners. Annoyingly jealous women are usually eliminated from the pool of candidates early in my observation and experience. Know the difference between unacceptable behavior, and petty jealousy.

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  30. The women who are posting “spot on” replies, lol, they are typically the ones who have had to deal with this sort of man before and have an emotional attachment to this article. Men use this to “sell” books, lol, we know by coming off “real” AKA “man bashing” we will ge the sympathy of the women who are the ones who buy are books.

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    • “Man bashing” every bullshitter’s defense mechanism when the truth gets told. Well I don’t man bash, I bash little boys who pretend to be men. In the article I even mentioned myself being this person and this article was written well before there was even a book published. But of course, you don’t read much so you missed that part. Yup, if disrespecting good women is what you consider to be “manly” behavior, then get ready because I got a lot more “man” bashing coming for ya.

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  31. Exactly…..I’m shocked too!!! lol, please, tell us something we don’t know. I bet you not talking like that on the basketball court to your buddies, they would tell you to get the hell outta here…..All you do is cater to the type of women who struggle finding a good man,…….More times than not, I’ve come to realize women just have zero clue as too how to find a good man or even more so, what a “good man” is.

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  32. As funny as this sounds to me, it is very true. I hope many others(both male and female) will take out time to read this. Articles or any kind of writings are more realistic when there’s a real life experience attached to it. Thanks once again for the advise.

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  33. Hey Derrick,
    I love this post and it is something that many men do not understand or have the insight on… its literally “if i didnt actually DO it, then you should be okay about it” mentality…I am not sure how you know all of this, but this is relevant in many women and men’s lives today… great post!

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  34. this hit realll close to home with me, couldn’t have explained it better myself

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  35. I’m not going to knock the hustle but in the end, I think this topic is more of women over-engineering a sandcastle with regard to relationships.

    As far as this topic, the answer is quite simple, if he’s into you and I mean REALLY into you, then you won’t have to worry about him acting/thinking/and indeed being single in your relationship. He’ll let the world know he’s in a relationship with YOU!!!! ……. That is if you’re holding down your end of the relationship-bargain. You know…your looks/weight/attentiveness/cooking/cleanliness (self and domicile)/sex (amount and type)/ etc. Complaining about the length of hugs, too long of a stare, what is or is not a flirt, how he smiled at other females, how they smiled at him, his phone etiquette, his password privacy, etc. Etc. ETC…..It’s all a bunch of fluff and horse manure to rile deep-seeded trust issues inside the psyche of most women. It only comes down to, OR SHOULD, the way he treats YOU…Nothing more and nothing less. If it’s what you want, GREAT!!!…then shut up and hang on for the ride. If it’s NOT what you want, then end it and move on. Why torture yourself and him???

    I’ve read and heard a lot of women say they know they look good or are fine or whatever. Hint….It ain’t about your looks, there’s always three better looking women waiting for you to give him up. It ain’t about your body….Some got bigger / smaller / sexier / thicker / leaner / more toned ones than you. It ain’t about what you buy him….Wealthier women than you will upgrade what you’ve given him and add all the accessories that go w/ it. It ain’t about how smart you are…Smarter ones than you surround and can stimulate his mind just as well as you or even better than you can ever imagine. So please, lay off the “He’ll miss this” silliness because maybe, just maybe it’s not true. I’ve met some absolutely top-tier looking and sexy bodied women on the dating scene but man-oh-man, once you learn of their spirit, their quirks, their demeanor, their this/their that, it’s no wonder they are alone.

    Many times, TOO MANY TIMES when I ask my single female friends that complain about not having a man or not being satisfied w/ their man, when I ask them some pointed and tough questions about what it is they are doing to grow the relationship w/ their man instead of what he’s NOT doing in the relationship, the answers typically end w/ them not owning their own failures in their past and current relationships. It’s always something he did/didn’t do, said/didn’t say, thought/should’ve thought. It’s always his fault and let me tell ya’, that’s exhaustive and will quickly mark her as a nag that is just good enough to sleep w/ to take the edge off from time to time until his dream girl (and yes, maybe WIFEY) comes along.

    As I said earlier, some women after “securing the relationship” have simply gotten fat and stopped taking care of themselves. Some simply stop having reasonable/bi-tri-weekly sex with their partners. Some don’t know his three favorite meals and/or don’t cook those dishes for him. Some are just not tip-top clean (house/maybe their person). Some spend more time in the nail/hair/spa-salons (including drive time) or watching television versus spending engaged and valuable time in the presence of and learning about their man. Some just get mean and nasty for no apparent reason. Like I said, some are alone (alone both in and outside of a relationship) and they are alone for a reason.

    The simple fact is that a lot of the women complaining about this topic are in a temporary relationship and there’s nothing wrong w/ that. But the truth is she’s just not dialing into the fact that they are simply not the “all-in-all” he’s looking for in order for him to be in a singular long-termed relationship. And when they realize that, they act out/lash out/shout out against him. Maybe she’s just good for the time being and the quicker she realizes it and cuts bait, the better.

    My advice to a woman that is in this type of relationship, cut him loose (leaving him w/ his dignity please) and move on. No need to destroy the happiness the both of you seek in a partner simply because you’re not happy w/ the way he is or if he’s not willing to settle on what you’re offering him.

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  36. Hi,
    I was wondering, if someone is that type of person, but wants to change, but its hard to say he has a gf now because his job is on the line, they will know he lied, how can you fix it, tell the girls he has a gf but keep a healthy friendship relationship with coworkers and peers?

    Post a Reply

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