The “I’m Just Not Ready for A Relationship” Talk

Written by: Derrick Jaxn

A lot of women wrestle with this and believe it or not, so do men. You can't understand why your love wasn't enough to make him change. I understand, but what you don't is that if a man really loves you, his conscience starts resting on what you deserve over what you're willing to put up with to make things work. Yes we are in control of our actions, but not our urges. They come without our permission and fighting repeated urges causes an internal struggle that's much less comfortable than just acting on them. So when they put you in harm's way, it becomes necessary to try and move you out of the line of fire. Opening doors and pulling out chairs is nice, but it doesn't get any more chivalrous than complete honesty.Image

Stopping him from leaving won't stop his feelings of not being ready. He can't flip the "Ok I'm Ready Now" switch because you argue, cry, or explain how much you believe in him. Staying is going to place more guilt on him, intensify the feeling of being trapped, or even worse leave him with the "well I tried" excuse to stop resisting himself. The reason why he isn't ready in the first place stems from cold world survival tactics he developed long before you came into the picture by either:

1.the efforts  to assimilate into a culture that praised this behavior(society)

or

 2.from the intent on never getting attached to a single female after that one girl who broke his heart.

So why even get in a relationship if you're not ready?

ImageWhy do we buy things we can't afford? Why do we drink more alcohol than we can handle? Because our aspirations tend to write checks that our judgment doesn't cash. Just like you, we also have the misconception that true love will shape our urges along with our actions. That's what we're sold by love songs, the Twilight saga, and other bullshit media that knows exactly what we want to hear. However, our hormones don't fall in love when we do. They're going to (be ready to) do what we've trained them to do, not what we learned in church was the right thing or promised that one night we looked you in your eye. This is not to say that men can't settle down after having a promiscuous past, but he definitely has to mature past that part of his life. It's not about you or how he feels about you. Whether or not he's loyal doesn't depend on his level of affection the same way how broke you are doesn't depend on how expensive something is. You either are or you aren't.

There's also this blissful feeling you get when you first realize you've found somebody who is perfect for you. It's a false advertisement of what it's going to be like over the course of the years to come(if you make it that long). They're constantly on your mind, there's no cuddling that's too close, and you love everything about them because there's an infatuation and true love mixture that's simply unreal. I call it the First Rep phenomena. When you're working out, you might do your first squat rep and say 'hmm, that wasn't so bad, I can do this at least 20 more times.' Then comes the lactic acid through your legs, tightening of your muscles, and the shortness of breath that's a reminder that you're new to this and probably need to pace yourself if you're going to make it to work tomorrow. So when men feel the First Rep phenomena, we think that it's the feeling of "Ok I'm Ready Now" finally coming to save us from ourselves.

But when the love is no longer new, and nobody cares about you being a cute couple anymore, and you start noticing habits that annoy the hell out of you, you come back down to earth; and you know what's waiting on us when we get there? A responsibility to maintain the relationship even without the superhuman strength that initial blissful feeling gave us. That's when we're faced with the grim reality that being faithful isn't a feeling, it's a mindset. A mindset that's everything but the one we developed over the years because the world taught us how to get what we want, not how to keep what we need. He's not playing games with you by telling you he's not ready and if it was as simple as a decision, he'd make it. It doesn't matter how much you cook, how freaky you can get, or how much you hold him down so don't take a responsibility in his maturation. This is something a man has to get through on his own because no matter how good of a woman you are, if he's not ready, it won't even matter.  

Image-Derrick Jaxn

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Author: DerrickJaxn

Derrick Jaxn is a lifestyle blogger, motivational speaker, and author. He consistently delivers raw truth with a passion and can emotionally connect with anyone no matter how alone you thought you were. If you read it, there's a good chance he writes it, but you won't get it like this from anywhere else. Follow him on Twitter & Instagram @DerrickJaxn.

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28 Comments

  1. Lesson learned the hard way on all 3 “It doesn’t matter how much you cook, how freaky you can get, or how much you hold him down so don’t take a responsibility in his maturation. This is something a man has to get through on his own because no matter how good of a woman you are, if he’s not ready, it won’t even matter.” The things I did to get there is the reason I am celibate now. Learning to love me & not to do stuff for someone that does not deserve it. Thank you but I wish you would have wrote this a couple of years ago. LOL

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    • Well it’s not all about what you do in a relationship, it’s more about what you’re looking to get out of it. Having sex and cooking aren’t wrong(in my opinion) but if you’re using that to try and make him commit and won’t be effective. If you do those things, it should only be because you want to and because that affection in some kind of way is being reciprocated. Thank you for reading.

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      • I wasn’t doing those things for him to commit to me but to show him how much I was in love with him. To me it was just some of the ways I showed him love. I believe that there are many ways to show someone how much u love them. I believed that I was getting the same things in return at one time but just like your writing was saying he really wasn’t ready for it & yes it did stop. I can honestly say that I am better with out him. Now I am being patient & when the time is right & a man is ready & he is the one for me then & only then will I give him what he gives me!!!

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  2. From begining to end this is the truth…Love it…

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  3. Thank you so much for clarification of this certain relationship. I always wondered why God brought this particular person in my life & for what purpose. Although I always knew there was a reason, I JUST NEVER KNEW WHY. Now I know.

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  4. I needed to hear that & it gives me closure now, u struggle with that thought of i did everything & still didnt stay, until i was in that situation once & I wasnt ready….& it was like the more u pushed the farther i pushed away i just wasnt ready& u cant force anything on anyone i learned no matter what…..

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    • Great lesson you learned and I’m sure it’ll protect you in the future also. Thank you for reading.

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  5. You post is the exact reason why women need to have healthy boundaries when they are dating instead of giving their all to men who may or may not want to commit. Women can usually filter these guys out if they give it enough time.

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  6. Well Moxie, that’s the problem. Women shouldn’t be doing any of things to make a man commit. But nothing is wrong with giving your all if that’s what’s being reciprocated which isn’t always dictated by a title. My point is, what is your reason for doing those things? Is it because you want him to commit or is it because you truly want to. Before you filter the guy, you have to filter your agenda. Thank you for reading.

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  7. Thank you, preach you hit it right on the nose. I’ve been telling girlfriends for years this. I’m going to have all of them subscribe to you ; maybe hearing it from a man they will understand.

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  8. Thanks God, I’ve never met a man who wasn’t ready :) But I always love reading your writing, Derrick. God bless you.

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  9. Thnks. Now I know it’s nothing on my part. But I just wish he would have been able to tell.me instead if just walking away without a word. I saw and felt it and tried talking to him and not even that worked.

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  10. Me again, I jus have to comment again, but really it’s been two months since he jus walked away and your article really helped. I could see how he went through the First Rep stage, him talking about our futures n making me feel all good about it but after our first big fight, he changed, it’s like he snaped and I could have seen him trying but he was never the same. Like I said I tried talking to him about it but everything had changed until he left, without an explination. He sure damn hell needs to mature!!!

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  11. I truly love reading thisI’m happy that I actually pressed on your site. I to try to help people and reading this gave more knowledge to share. May God bless you always.

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  12. This was good & true, but you also forgot when a man tells you he is “not ready for a relationship” because HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. For him, you are for the moment, not a lifetime, etc etc.

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  13. I’m loving this here….true but some guy juss don’t feel they can find the right woman so they juss stay SINGLE till they die,my ex-bf is dat type of person so I had to leave him

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  14. You are definitely giving women some great advice and a glimpse of understand of men. How did you become so wise at your young age? I wish you the best in everything you do!

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    • Thank you for your well wishes. I can’t say how or why. I just feel it’s my place to give what knowledge I can to those who will receive it. Thanks for reading :)

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  15. Thank you so much for writing this. I was given the “I’m not ready” talk a couple months ago, and it was confusing because we’re still friends and it’s obvious to me that he still loves me. I don’t know if he’ll be the one for me but it felt like it when we were together, and even now, when we’re trying to be friends after an intense romantic relationship. Thank you.

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  16. Just wanted to say thank you, Derrick for such inspiring and encouraging words. It’s good to know that all those times I questioned what (if anything) did I do wrong, or what could I have done differently, that perhaps it wasn’t me. Maybe it was the simple fact that he “wasn’t ready yet” but thought he was. After reading this, I have a better mindset and outlook towards relationships. Thank you very much.. I’m glad I stumbled upon your page. Be blessed. :-)

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  17. I was referred to your FB page by a friend and I can say I’m glad I liked your page and now your Blog site. Well said & written!! love it…Thanks

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  18. Thank you for your post. I have fallen in love with the first girl I have been romantically and sexually involved with. I moved to another city and those feelings are so strong but I am not at that stage to settle down. We keep in touch and I feel more and more guilty as she has a lot of the qualities that I look for in a girl.

    Thank you for taking some of the guilt away. I need to mature and fix a lot of things in my life before I can become a husband and father.

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  19. Thank you so much for this. I just went through a rough couple of months with a guy that I fell pretty hard for. He had said all along, even when we were platonic, that he wasn’t in the right place for a relationship, but we started to get closer and I felt like he was really becoming attached to me. Then he just started to fade away. When I asked what changed, he said he could tell it was becoming a relationship and that he just couldn’t do it, there were just too many other things he had to deal with. I couldn’t help but take it personally and felt so betrayed by all of the sweet things he had said and done up to that point. I was convinced it was just me that he wasn’t into. You’ve given me some perspective to the stress and pressure he must be feeling, which I was neglecting to notice in my own need for an explanation. My hope is that he will come around, but I know there is nothing I can say or do to expedite this, so I will just be there for him as a friend. Thank you again for a clear and concise description of the turmoil men are going through when they say these things.

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  20. Hi. I broke up with my ex after a year bc he’s 24 and partfof him wasn’t ready for a relationship or having to be accountable for someone. I understood bc I’m older but I wonder if we love each other and are perfect for the other is it dumb that a month later we ended up having sex? He admitted that he loves me and wants to be with me but isn’t ready for a relationship. Am I being stupid? If anyone asks he says she’s amazing and we were great. I’m still in love with him so my heart wont let me mess with another man yet. Am I playing with fire? Or is it possiblehe’s being truthful (he’s not the player type, very introverted person) and does want to be together in the future?

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  21. I went through the same thing. I failed to believe him when he said he wasn’t ready and rather looked at his actions which seemed to suggest that he was getting there. We are no longer in communication, but my hope is that it will change. For that to happen though, he will need toget through his own issues…and hopefully see what we had and could have. Did your ex come back?

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