Questions That Every Man Who’s Getting Pressured Into Marriage Should Ask

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Written by: Derrick Jaxn

1. If marriage is the only God-approved way to be in a relationship, then why didn't He make a preacher when He made Adam and Eve?

2. I hear some people say marriage is important because it's when you profess your vows before God. But when do we ever do something behind His back?

3. If I tell my woman I love her and I'm in this for the long run, and she tells me she doesn't believe it until she sees a ring or "then why haven't you married me?"....doesn't that mean she trusts the ring more than she trusts me?

Those are the top three guilt trips used to pressure men into marriage before they're ready.

Why? Because the true meaning of marriage has gotten lost in translation. We think it's a way to oust commitment-phobes and for women to ascend to their proper place as a lady, but there are some very strong and beautiful women who are single by choice. And with the divorce rate so high, marriage clearly isn't the glue that keeps couples together.

She deserves to be married. He needs to marry her. What colors she picked out for the wedding. Sound familiar? That's because men are now feeling like they have to marry out of obligation, as opposed to enjoying the same bliss and pride that women have when their friends ask to see their wedding ring. Surely there are exceptions, but don't dismiss the obvious in light of those few. Divorce rates being so high are everything but a coincidence.

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We get guilt tripped into marrying prematurely so the woman we love doesn't have to walk with her head down, and we don't get looked at as "not knowing her worth". It's unfair, but nobody cares until the man is doing everything he can to stay away from the house. Then he's neglecting his family and so forth. Ever seen a man getting married who let his wife handle all the decorations? It's not because decor is a womanly thing, because ask him about what's under the hood of his favorite car and he'll give you a laundry list of exacts. It's because the new aged idea of what marriage is has very little to do with a man's happiness, and more to do with his obligation to do the right thing.

What we need to realize in order to fix this:

Marriage is the celebration, NOT the actual victory. The victory is the healthy relationship you have  beforehand, the trust that's built, and the bond that strengthens through hard times. The victory is being married in the heart first.  Think about a running back(football player) trying to score a touchdown but instead, he spikes the ball, and does his victory dance first. Sounds stupid right? That's what forcing marriage before both partners are ready is. There are men, raised in a culture that emasculates their place as the head of the household while increasing their responsibility to commit for an eternity, who are genuinely in love and trying to crawl before they walk. But we've made it a fad to persecute them for not starting off in a full sprint.

Well how long am I supposed to wait?

See, there you go making it about you again. Instead of sitting by waiting, why not set goals as a couple. List those things that are coming between you and your celebration of marriage, lay out a plan to get through those things, and be the facilitator. It's not "settling", it's consideration that there's more to this equation than just you. Tell your girlfriends, your mom, your preacher, your baby daddy, whoever it is that's undermining your value as a faithful relationship partner because they can't recognize it without a ring to mind their own damn business(you don't have to cuss to the pastor).

Women who've bought into the BS of being validated by a man's commitment will reject everything about this post. Men who are just looking for a way to string their women along, this post isn't for you either. But for those who are in a committed relationship, and get criticized and looked down upon for not doing a victory dance when there's so much running left to do before they reach the end zone, you're welcome.blackey



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Author: DerrickJaxn

Derrick Jaxn is a lifestyle blogger, motivational speaker, and author. He consistently delivers raw truth with a passion and can emotionally connect with anyone no matter how alone you thought you were. If you read it, there's a good chance he writes it, but you won't get it like this from anywhere else. Follow him on Twitter & Instagram @DerrickJaxn.

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8 Comments

  1. I agree with you one hundred percent: There should absolutely be NO pressure to marry nor should one be made to feel guilty because it hasn’t happened yet. So, with knowing what should be a fact but sadly, not often a reality (for many), one should have a full perspective of what they want going into a relationship; to the extent of their spirituality, morals and values because this will greatly determine how the relationship plays out. One should definitely ask themselves, “does this person share the same views and perspective, as it relates to dating and/or marriage”. If “you” stay true to you (meaning what you live by/stand for), then there’s no blame or room for the ole “bait and switch”, because for one, you should know who’s behind the hook from the beginning and more importantly, if you know self, then you’re not easily baited. Hence, no pressure. To marry or not to marry should be a mutual desire. **Just My Thoughts; In addition to yours** and I used the “bait and switch” analogy because often people simply do not PAY ATTENTION, LISTEN, AND/OR OBSERVE.

    Regarding #1 (on your list)…The Lord does not say, that marriage is the only way to be in a relationship however, it is clearly defined (whether one takes heed or not), that once you take the mindset of taking on a marital position, then you should marry. 1 Corinthians 7:1-2 and verses 9, 36. Also, there would be no need for a pastor with Adam & Eve (first man and women); God was the Officiator of this union; allowing Adam to be the “pastor” of all things including identifying his bride as, “women”Genesis 2:18-24.

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    • Very intelligent response. As for the question, it was meant to be somewhat satirical. Equally trivial of the pressure put on men to marry prematurely. Not that men should literally ask those question, just encouraging men to take a stand if they feel like they’re not ready for marriage and if they’re on the right track relationship wise. What we’ve turned marriage into in our society is a skeleton of what I believe God meant when he said “marriage”. I do believe he meant marriage to be “in love”. That’s the thing that’s more powerful than us and when we fall out of love, it drives us crazy. It’s innate, an ability to feel beyond our capabilities of control unlike marital contracts that are very political. But that’s another convo. I just want people to prioritize the order of marriage in the heart over marriage the wedding

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      • Ditto….Your take is is definitely respected and I applaud you for putting your views out there (THIS NEEDS TO BE DISCUSSED MORE OFTEN), because as you stated, the divorce rate is high, and marriage is taken too lightly…for many it is more about the efforts towards the wedding day, instead of the marital days (ahead) and what it takes to sustain it. FOR ME, the Bible outlines what marriage is meant to be; plain and clear…bottom line, God honors marriage (Heb. 13:4), and although your 3 points were meant more to be on “satirical” order (and I get it) however, in that God honors marriage, I definitely would want to be among ” two or three” witnesses in His presence professing my vows. And I absolutely agree with you, marriage is meant to be “in love” and it starts in the HEART, but once you start ACTING upon your feelings, this is where the complexity comes in…especially when you’re not married….Yes, love is an innate emotion but this is why the Lord outlines that once you realize this and you want to take it to a different level (intimacy…sex), then you should marry…again Heb.13:4. It’s all in what we choose to believe, but God makes no mistakes…everything happens for a reason.

        O.k. Mr. Jaxn, you know how to get one into some deep thinking but I like that, because that’s how I am too. I thank you, because you’re very inspiring!

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  2. All I can say that every couple that I know that was pressured into getting married ended up divorced. As far as my marriage in the beginning I used to tell my husband that same ole line everyone says about buying the cow when you are getting the milk for free. I knew he loved me and I knew he wouldn’t leave me so it was funny when he asked to get married I was a little passive and then he kept saying you don’t want to marry me. I had gotten secure and comfortable in what we had. I wasn’t looking for validation anymore. I think the process we went through made our marriage stronger 18 years later.

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  3. I agree, but premature marriages are just as much the fault of the “guilt tripped” partner. This is a choice some people make, and regret. But once the choice is made, you always have to remind yourself that what you see is not always how it is suppose to be, and that you have the ability to choose a different response to any situation. Choices cannot be blamed on no other than self. If people would realize that sometimes they have the wrong map, or are seeing through the wrong lense, a different perspective would defintely define truth in self realization and important things that really matter in the success of living happy lives, marriages, ect.. Knowing the true power of self control is the key.

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  4. So this ….. “Marriage is the celebration, NOT the actual victory.” was so relevant. Great read.

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    • I’m glad you liked it. That’s an important context we seldom put marriage in that I think would be greatly beneficial in this new age of manufactured relationships. Everyone’s trying to fit the profile so that their relationship gets the respect they want it to. But you have to crawl before you walk or else you’ll end up falling flat on your face.

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  5. Hello Derrick,

    I’m single.

    However, I felt compelled to share my thoughts on your post. I think the problem with forced marriages is that women were conditioned at a young age to believe that if you aren’t married by a certain age, then we’ll be doomed. Hence, the pressure they build upon themselves & their men to set a date. Time & patience are two of the most important factors when maintaining a committed relationship. Also, a woman in a committed loving relationship should already know that forcing a wedding date & pressuring the guy to “put a ring on it” is never necessary if you know where his heart lies. My personal solution to this….

    Take your time: Marriage is a huge step & a big emotional investment. It’s also something that should be planned willingly from both individuals….when they’re BOTH ready.

    Be patient: If you’ve waited this long & he’s still there with you, Obviously he’s not going anywhere. BUT…(& this is a HUGE BUT ) this also depends on how long they’ve been together. A committed relationship can sometimes last for twenty years. Either the man or the woman can become impatient at some point & rightfully so. If that’s the case, there could be some deeper issues as to why they haven’t married after all those years.

    Overall, a commitment such as marriage is something that no one should be forced to do.

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