How To KNOW If She’s The One

As we all know, females can be ruthless when it comes to relationships, but there's this rare species known as "wife material" that's out there. Guys usually don't run into these girls until we're damaged goods and a product of the screwed up society that told us it was in our nature to be a dumbass. Yeah, many of us outgrow this phase, but more times than not, timing isn't on our side. For the ones who're approaching this transition and think they've found the one, here are a few things to help you remove all doubt. She's the one if...

She wasn't impressed with your corny ass pick up line but gave you a chance anyway because she saw something in you.Image

She was your best friend when your "homeboys" left you hanging.

She could listen to you go on and on about your dreams and hung on every word because she believed in you.

She saw the attention you gave those other girls but still ignored the attention from other guys.

She caught attitudes with you but only because she wanted you to care more and not be afraid to show it.

She changed her hair and couldn't wait for you to notice but only without her having to point it out.

When you had nothing, she was willing to give up everything to have nothing with you. She wasn't perfect, but her effort to be there for you was.

She sees her favorite ring in a store and gets excited hoping that you notice without feeling like she's pressuring you into anything.

She’s the girl that told you the truth when you needed to hear it most and still didn't judge you.

When you kept coming in late, she was too scared to ask where you were because she might get the truth.

She's the girl that was so proud to be by your side but you never would hold her hand in public.

She loved you when it was the wrong thing to do. Not because she was stupid, but because she couldn't shake the feeling that everything you went through together had to mean something to you.

She’s the girl you made cry over and over again until she was out of tears and couldn't take it anymore.

If that's her, then she's the one and you really don't deserve her.
But if you didn't do any and everything in your power to get her back and keep her there, then you made the biggest mistake of your life.
-Derrick Jaxn

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Author: DerrickJaxn

Derrick Jaxn is a lifestyle blogger, motivational speaker, and author. He consistently delivers raw truth with a passion and can emotionally connect with anyone no matter how alone you thought you were. If you read it, there's a good chance he writes it, but you won't get it like this from anywhere else. Follow him on Twitter & Instagram @DerrickJaxn.

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52 Comments

  1. That was me in my past six year relationship. Wow I needed to read that. Thank you.

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    • Thank you for reading. I’m glad you made it out of that a better woman Katrina.

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      • Who’s that washing them dishes in the pic?

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  2. You have nooo clue, Derrick, how much I appreciate and love your lines (when I come to read them). I always longed for seeing us women through the eyes of a man but average guys just don’t reflect enough to be a useful source of answers to my questions. Now you seem to be one.

    Thank you!

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    • Thanks Laura. I just share my perspective so those who can relate know they’re not alone. I appreciate you more than you appreciate me. Please continue reading. :)

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  3. Astonishing… Been there… 20+ years, 2 amazing young men that I raise with the help of my parents. I loved unconditionally, forgave, encouraged, supported, provided, nurtured, and received majority of let down after let down. It has been 2 years and I have not been in another relationship or even dated but I am truly happy again. It’s funny how you get caught up in wanting the happiness for your partner how you forget about yourself. Well now it has come to pass that he realizes what he had and wants it back, unfortunately that is not an option. I will always love him but I am not ‘in love’ with him any longer…

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    • Nicole I’m glad you made it out of your situation. Clearly you’re a soldier. If he’s still the same man you left before, there’s really no point. The happiness you’ve found is happiness you won’t have to depend on anyone else for and that makes you independent of anyone else who wants to give you that as well. Please continue reading in the future :)

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  4. This is like reading my diary!! I was “her” to someone once…I still don’t think he has a clue even now… But oh well, such is life!! Thank you for sharing your insight!! :)

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    • Thank you for reading Qua! I’m glad you can relate but only because you’ve made it out a stronger and wiser woman. That’s something to be thankful for.

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  5. I certainly know someone who should read this.

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  6. I totally agree on this but i just wish he would understand my pain and where im coming from i’ll give him my last but it’s like he don’t feel the same or i don’t know because i always give and never receive but its not like i look forward to it. So i just feel better just by him telling me he love me… Antwaun & Mo’Nique 4ever And Our Little Princess Amyrie…….

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    • you know yourself, monique, if you give and give and never get anything in exchange, is how you said it: he’s ain’t feeling the same. don’t waste your precious energy and time on a guy who cannot appreciate what you offer him. there are others out there licking their ten fingers for you, girl! (i’m talking out of experience, been there where you are now. let go and move on. you won’t regret :-) )

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  7. Thank you your message are so deep and true.

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  8. I was her once…just last week I got the courage to file for divorce.

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    • Congrats Ephesia. i know this is a trying time no matter how much of the right thing it is to do, but the only way you can climb any hill is to first take a step and you’ve done that. Just rember to cling to what you know you deserve so you don’t end up settling.

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  9. My eyes were stinging reading this , because everything you have written is so true to the T. *Sigh* mass email to all my “Wifey Material friends”… Thank YOu

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  10. I was that woman also… To the wrong man, of course! Now I am slightly terrified to be her again, unsure if my heart will receive the same response that it did the first time… But I am a strong woman, and I will find the courage to love like that once more… One day…

    I’m a young heart, with an old soul and I don’t have time for yet another broken heart….

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  11. This somewhat summarized my 21 1/2 year relationship to a “T”, but glad I was able to live my life for me. It’s been 5 years since my divorce, and now I am finally starying to date, but for some reason, some men are still not able to recognize a woman worth keeping until it’s too late. Could it be that they are just not able to make a commitment?? I wonder.

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  12. This was me! Four years together 3yrs married! They never see your worth until the next man notices it and takes it away. What you won’t do, another man will.

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  13. It seem to me after reading this, I’m the one for him, but he’s definitely not the one for me. Too many lies and games. Thank you for all your posts.

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  14. EVERY THING U SAY IS WHAT IM GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW I REALY FEELING TO GIVE UP. BUT I ALSO HAVE A SON HE JUST A BABY. I DONT THINK THERES ANYONE FOR ME AT ALL. I’M TOO SCARED TO GO THROUGHT IT AGAIN

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  15. This article is amazing and true on so many levels. Your insight on relationships is quite refreshing :) I’ve been/done all of the above for someone at one point or another and still have nothing to show for it. Now I’m “damaged goods” because I have lost all faith in males when it comes to honesty and support in a relationship. I don’t think their capable so I’ve given up. It’s a very lonely feeling to never be able to trust anyone!

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  16. I read your article Derrick and most of it described me minus three things 1) hoping he notices my new hair style 2) and if he was late which was once in life that I could recall I did say something and last I was with him when he had much of nothing but I wasn’t crazy enough to give up everything I had thank God because in the end he did me pretty dirty…now with that said am I still categorized as “Wife Material” or something else. Just had to make my comment because I’m honest with myself and I’m not knocking all the other womens’ comments but now you have a new P.O.V. Derrick talk to me! :-)

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  17. Wow that was me to a tee! I love reading your words you put my mind at ease.

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  18. Derrick Jaxn, like all of the ladies above, I was once her. I will not change my ways as a Woman, but I’ll definitely be more selective of who gets my all. As Black Women, we are taught to give our all to prove to him that we are his one, yet, Black Men are taught to not give anything until she can prove it and he is sure. We are taught to make Men a priority, while settling for ‘at least I’m an option’ status.

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  19. I have been that girl to so many and it has always backfired. But it was a great lessons learned. I would not be the woman I am today without those heart breaks. Love the articles Mr. Jaxn.

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  20. I can’t believe that was me!! It still hurt till this day that I went through all of that & I still love him. SMH!!! So many told me not to stay with him but my heart told me to stay. That he needed me to be there while he was going through so much. Then when I needed him the most he wasn’t there. SMH I still can’t believe it!!! The things you do for someone & how much you put in a relationship to only end up…

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  21. This sounds all too familiar. It’s the unfortunate tale of so many young women, like myself.

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  22. This is so true. This is me right now. Well it was me for about 5 or so years and up until recently when i decided enough already. He doesn’t get it yet. I really appreciate this. Thanks, it is a must read.

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  23. I’m late but thank you for this. I am at my can’t take it anymore point and hope he realizes it.

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  24. Wow…(lump in my throat).

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  25. That was awesome. I love your work. Very inspirational. God blessing keep up.the good work

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  26. I love your blog! Its very inspiring and uplifting to hear a true male perspective with such positivity.

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  27. I think I just read my life story…that was me 3 yrs ago. I finally couldn’t take it any more and decided to leave. We were together for 10yrs and never asked me to marry him. I felt I deserve more and couldn’t take it any longer. We did try to work it out after I left but it didn’t work because I wasn’t “in love” with him any longer. So now I’m by myself taking care of me.

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  28. While this is true, there comes a time under certain conditions where a women will walk away and eventually not look back. Still a great piece.

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  29. Wow. Derrick. Interesting piece. Some of these are dead on and beautiful, but some of them are kind of hurtful and point to an interesting and damaging relationship cycle in our community…
    SO…you decide if the woman you are dating is right for you based on her blind devotion and the willingness to accept things that are hurtful, and her ability to love you *especially* when you hurt her? That’s disheartening homie.
    I’m all for being down for your man…but She’s “the one” if you make her cry until she’s all cried out? That sounds… all sorts of sad.
    She’s “the one” if she won’t ask where you were all night, multiple nights, because she’s “afraid of the truth?” (what is that truth, by the way, that she’s so fearful of she will just leave it alone and disregard relationship accountability?)
    She’s “the one” If she’s proud to be at your side but you won’t acknowledge your intimacy by holding hands in public, ever? Wow.

    I appreciate the post, but I would urge you to kind of look at some of the underlying assumptions and expectations you are placing in relationships when you open the door to specific behaviors and then say the women who wade through all that mess and still find a reason to hang on are the ones that are “the one”.

    I guess maybe I should ask you how you define “the one”… Have you found yours yet? Because some of the ladies commenting are saying this was them, but they couldn’t take it and decided to move on because their men didn’t understand the pain they were causing….

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    • Hi Heather, thanks for reading this post.

      Contrary to your interpretation, this blog wasn’t about a woman who was blindly devoted and willingly accepted wrongdoings, but rather the very opposite. The last 2 points of the post points to the fact that she’d had enough. And yes, good women will try to “make it work” before throwing in the towel if they feel it’s worth the fight.

      This post was less about an identification process, and more of a wake up call to those guys out there who have or have had a good woman, and didn’t know it. This isn’t a list of expectations for a woman to meet and not once did it imply such. I actually addressed this to men who’ve been conditioned by society to a fault and end it on a warning that if the male reader “didn’t do any and everything in your power to get her back and keep her there, then you made the biggest mistake of your life”.

      Your underlying assumptions are your own, not because of my miswording. For the female reader who read this in the proper context, she feels like someone understands. Even though she gave that situation everything and left him alone, it still hurts that her efforts and quality as a woman weren’t acknowledged. Being understood is beautiful feeling to anyone who previously may have felt alone.

      To the male reader, it does help us identify our good woman, but more importantly communicates that no matter how much she loves us or is loyal, she won’t put up with mistreatment forever.

      The fact that you don’t give me enough credit to put adequate thought into my writing is what’s most disheartening. I come from an honest place that I believe you would appreciate if you allowed your heart and mind to be open to what’s outside the box. This post was meant to evolve beyond your expectations of a “How to” list that you can get in your everyday woman’s mag into an emotionally authentic message that few writers are capable of.

      Best,
      Derrick Jaxn

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      • From your explanation which I see was posted today, now I see what you were trying to do, but I do agree with Heather, there was some confusion. The beginning does refer to “when you (i.e. a guy) were immature and the end does refer to how might want to rectify what you did wrong but, since the title sets the stage of what you’re reading maybe something like “How to know if you’ve let a good woman go” or “how to know if you’ve let the one pass you by” would have caused less confusion. Good article and blog tho. Would love your advice/perspective on dating!

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        • Thanks Stella,

          The few who are confused, are so because of their expectations. Maybe I can put it in perspective this way.

          Say for instance, a young man just quit his job because he’d rather play video games all day. The father calls him in to speak to him, and he starts his lecture with “This is how you know you’re living the good life”. The son expects some extravagant story about the rich and famous but instead the father goes on and on describing characteristics of the son’s job he quit. The father intentionally does so to make it painfully clear what the son just gave up and in doing so teaches him a lesson.

          That’s what this blog’s purpose is. I purposely put that title, it was not a mistake and there is not a more fitting title for the message I was intending to get across. There were only a few that were confused, mostly new readers, and understandably so. There’s a level of creativity to be acknowledged in my work, it’s not all just lessons and advice. I craft my messages intentionally for those who crave something different. If you come to my website the expectations of expecting the unexpected, I think you’ll get something special from reading my posts.

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  30. valerie june, she’s a singer from TN with freeform dreads. love her.

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  31. WOW!!! This really says a lot of what’s been on my heart. I think I may send this to a man who doesn’t quite get it.

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  32. Whoa, I literally haven’t dated anyone since that happened to me 2 years ago. It’s cool though, I will not be giving dude a second chance but I will find someone who appreciates me for who I am.

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  33. WOW! That was me in my past 5 yr relationship. It’s hard explaining that to the opposite sex but to see that there is someone that gets it, is refreshing!

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  34. Wow this really hits home. Thanks for posting!

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  35. I really needed to hear this, the father of child who I’ve been with for four years left me for his ex who cheated n played him to the core. I was there for him to pick the pieces she left. And I feel like he used me to get over her transgressions so they could get back together. All the things he put me through were for nothing. Everything you said applied to several situations we’ve had. Atlest I now know it wasn’t because of me. HE lost a good thing!!

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  36. Derrick Jaxn,

    This post sounds EXACTLY like me & what I’ve been through and going through right now. I have a tendency to display the wifey tendency to guys who do not deserve it. My most recent situation may just top them all. I was in a situationship with a young man with whom I thought liked me for who I am & wanted me to be his eventually. (We are college students as well) Things did go too fast but nevertheless, I was good to him. I would motivate & push him to be greater, be by his side when his own line brothers & friends would not support him in the things get believed in. I always helped him out in every major or minor way possible. He really did not do much of the same, just sometimes. My sister tried to warn me about him but I didn’t listen. He started lying to me about his involvement with his ex in my face. Keep in mind that she did some horrible things to him when they were together, such as giving him an STD, cheat on him act like a controlling psychopath & after their break up, Destroyed SOME Of His Property and slept with 2 of his line brothers and attempted to sleep with his roommate. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him if he was still involved with her. Typical guy, he lied to me in my face & in text message. I noticed something was up but I didn’t think he was stupid enough to let me (a freaking awesome person) go for his whorish ex, after everything she did to him. But he did so anyway. Despite everything I did for him. I found out through social media. Wasn’t man enough to tell me & still haven’t. I confront him but he ignores it as if I never said it/texted it, which made things worse. Even went as far to block me. He told me out of the blue he would be too busy for anything besides a friendship with anybody, but seems to be back with her. I discovered I was pregnant soon after & he acted as if he didn’t have time to come to the hospital or no transportation. As if he didn’t want it. Not one time has he come to visit. I recently lost my baby & had to have emergency surgery to remove the baby/a part of my reproductive organ & he actually seemed happy. I have no idea what I did wrong for him to treat me so horribly, besides be a fool for someone who didn’t deserve me. What upsets me the most is that he made no effort to see if I am ok, even after my surgery. I am now suffering at the possibly of not being able to have children because of him while he’s happy that I lost it to avoid responsibility & most likely back with her. I feel that I hate him so much. If I see him again, I may end up punching him. I especially hate how hypocritical he is: post Christian or inspirational statuses like he’s such a great person but treated me so horribly. I may have to remain single for a few years. This is probably the worst thing I ever endured & I’ve never been this hurt before.

    It would be cool if Derrick Jaxn could respond to this. I still do not know what I did do deserve all of this.

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