Ain’t-Sh*t Brothers; Can We PLEASE Stop Blaming Women for Choosing Us???

Written by: Derrick Jaxn

datingAny time a man is being called out for treating his woman wrong, somewhere in the bushes is one of his fellow ain't-shit comrades, getting ready to defend him with some form of deflection. The latest trend is "But it's the woman's fault for choosing him in the first place".

But let's be real.

We don't walk up to a woman and hand her a pamphlet that lists all the bullshit we're getting ready to put her through. We don't have a sign on us that says, "I'm about to do everything I can to earn your trust just so I can break it." We do NOT advertise ourselves as liars, cheaters, fakes, deadbeats, and having no tangible goals.

No, we approach a woman with a dollar and a dream and plead with her to believe in us. We use examples of other brothers who started from the bottom and just needed somebody to believe in them. We tell them who we used to be, but who we no longer are(even though we never really changed).chilvary-dead-260-316x373

We promise them that this time will be different. That she's different, and that all the special things in life happen when someone steps out on faith and gives "amazing"  a chance to come into fruition. We tell her that it's about much more than just sex because of course, "we can get sex from anywhere, anytime, from anyone these days". We then have sex with her and make it a reflection of her ability to trust as to whether or not we continue wearing a condom after the first time or even worse, it accidentally falls off.

We swear that we're not going anywhere if for the slim chance a baby does come, you know, because our pull-out game is flawless.
We never say how the moment she's pregnant, we're going to pretend it's her fault. How after all of the Jordans, Iphones, fake jewelry, video game consoles, and weed we were able to find money for, that we now are financially strapped for cash.

But it's her fault for choosing us in the first place right?

What if you go buy a car, but the moment you drive it off the lot, the engine blows? Was it your fault for choosing the car or was the dealer wrong for promoting it as brand new?

cheating-manWhat about when you go to the barbershop and your hairline is slanted? Was it your fault for choosing him or was he wrong for posting a picture of all the hair models on the wall and claiming he was capable of delivering the same thing?

"But it's her fault for trusting too quickly"

This isn't 2005. A brother will wait out a 90 day rule then leave on the 91st before his zipper's all the way back closed. The whole idea that bullshit has an expiration date is the very reason so many women are wasting away their years now, patiently waiting for a man to prove himself with how long he waits before he proves who he really is. Yes, it's both people's responsiblity to build a solid foundation but no, it's never about how long you wait to trust. Rather it's what it is she's trusting in. And if a man is intentionally sending the wrong signals, it's 100% his fault.

I'm not here to excuse anyone for choosing based on the wrong qualifications. If a woman only dates a man based on superficial reasons and she gets emotionally
caught up in the process, that's on her. I know they are out there, living and dying by that same sword and their shallow standards end up becoming their own karma. No, I'm not defending them.

I'm much more concerned about the good women we are turning into scorned and bitter women because we were able to convince them we were different. The ones we continue to fault for having their guards too high and then attack when they finally choose to lower them. The ones we beg to give us a chance, will shame them for not seeing past our shortcomings, and then blame them for not adhering to all the red flags. Yes, the red flags WE waved.

Before we can ask them to choose better, how about we do better?shawty-lo-all-my-baby-mama

- @DerrickJaxn

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Author: DerrickJaxn

Derrick Jaxn is a lifestyle blogger, motivational speaker, and author. He consistently delivers raw truth with a passion and can emotionally connect with anyone no matter how alone you thought you were. If you read it, there's a good chance he writes it, but you won't get it like this from anywhere else. Follow him on Twitter & Instagram @DerrickJaxn.

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  1. I teach quite a few young men and many of them have a hard time taking responsibility for there actions. I think this mentality is not dealt with at a young age and young men and women grow-up knowing how to blame everybody but the man in the mirror.

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  2. I have learned that in dating most people tend to put their best foot forward in the “honeymoon stage”. We introduced the “Representative” but when it’s all said and done once again we realize another piece of our heart has been chipped off never to return because one more promising relationship has taken a drastic nose dive. I still believe that there are sincere men and hopeful women out there in this big world desiring to connect with each other. Yet the “Representative” hits you with a one two sucker punch and is like, “Surprise I fooled you and it’s your fault!” If we allow it disappointment will leave us bitter and broken. I will admit I am wearier now and a little more sheltered than my younger self when it comes to love but I refuse to have gone through my unwanted broken hearts to leave this world empty handed so I listen to wise counsel, “Have courage enough to trust love one more time and always one more time.” Maya Angelou
    This is as you stated for the good men and women still waiting for the right love to find them….
    God Bless

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  3. Good article. However if we did it God’s way and waited for the right one and not have sex before marriage then we could avoid a lot of these issues.

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  4. I love how women are always painted as universal victims. If you see your cousins, aunts, best friends and sisters falling for these types of men and you still do, then that’s on you. The stove is hot — if you put your hand on it and get burned, whose fault is it, the person who turned the stove on or you for foolishly placing your hand on it know that it was hot?

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    • To your analogy, you imply that that the woman “know(s) that it was hot” when you and I both know, no man is telling women they’re just another hot stove. The name of the game is convincing a woman we’re not a hot stove, that we are indeed safe to touch. Some men do that by lying, and that’s where the problem is.

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  5. Thank you so much! These are some of the sentiments I’ve expressed to men and women that bash a woman for “choosing the wrong one.” I appreciate your call to men to control that which they can control, themselves. I’ve experienced the very scenarios you described in this blog post! How many times do you let your guard down only to be violated? It’s indeed a valid question, and we all should be called to examine our motives and how we treat others.

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  6. If what your saying is true then players and pimps wouldn’t have any women at all, because they tell women that their pimps and the women still come. Rappers, drug dealers, gang members,etc, don’t lie to get these women. This is flat out false.

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    • So players and pimps make up the majority of men that women today are dealing with? Rappers, drug dealers, gang members do? Because out of the last 20 guys I’ve seen, maybe one has fit into any of the categories you listed. Safely, I think we can say that 99% of men aren’t in any of those categories. But as for those who are, what women are they dealing with? Good women or those that have low self-esteem and desperate? You’re reaching for straws now.

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  7. Derrick will not subtract anything from the post,but most cases a woman will see it’s a hot stove but will try it anyway,woman will see and know about the read flag but will ignore or try to change it in white colour,I heard this one from you”If someone show you who they are believe them” but todays woman will try to change what they are shown…

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  8. Thank you! I have said time and time again that if men expect to be seen as future heads of households, they need to show they can and be accountable. This whole “A man will do what a woman allows” shows no self discipline or maturity.
    This is what happens when communities stop letting elders on the porches and the men in barber shops discipline the neighborhood kids….

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  9. Ok the issue with this is that what good comes from assuming the woman is innocent? She is a grown human who should be able to make decent choices. Personal responsibility is not a curse word. If she keeps getting hurt then she needs to re-examine the men she attracts. You attract what you are ..if she is over 25 and always running into a ain’t sh-t man then maybe she isn’t the good woman she thinks she is. If the car engine blows up after you drive it how much research did you do on the car? Car fax? Have a mechanic look at it? Pray about it? If no then that’s on you.

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    • When you say innocent, what do you mean? Trusting? Because she’s definitely not responsible for the man’s lies. But that saying “you attract what you are” is BS. Almost every man in this country is attracted to Halle Berry. You can put a steak in front of a professional chef’s face and a pit bull’s face and both will salivate. Basically, attractive women/things attract more than just the cream of the crop so that quote is misguided at best.

      If she keeps running into ain’t-shit brothers, I agree. She does need to re-examine what she’s attracted. I don’t know anyone with good sense that falls for the same tricks every time. But we’re not going to exonerate brothers because when dealing with the no-good ones, the problem starts there. Not with a woman who didn’t look at car-fax, but with janky car fax that were covered up in the first place.

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  10. Nikki, I agree with you 100%. I see no accountability and no discipline. I don’t like jaxn’s article because the issue is bigger than a “lifestyle”. It has become the new norm. These young men are on a production line. Resolutions are needed, not “a men’s” on social media. We know the issues, how about treating the sympoms. Jaxn come to my school and talk to these young men.

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    • If the article doesn’t help, neither will coming to a school and talking. It’s all in the effort of spreading the message and empowering women to stop falling for the same BS that they are responsible for another man’s actions. One commenter stated “You are what you attract” and that’s what’s really becoming the new norm for brothers who don’t want accountability. This isn’t a men’s on social media, this a platform that has access to tens of thousands spreading truth to punctuate the misguided ideals like “You are what you attract” and “It’s her fault for choosing them”. Instead of treating the symptoms, I’d much rather cure the sickness.

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  11. No the quote is accurate…It goes beyond looks .if you are a liar you tend to attract people that lie and believe lies. If you are too trusting then you attract people that will abuse your trust and are too trusting as well. It’s not about exonerating brothers it’s about not painting women as these naive people that aren’t responsible for their choices in life. People show you who they are fairly quickly. If the person isn’t astute enough to pick up the signs then it’s on them. The word says you real what you sow. Science says for every reaction there is a equal and opposite reaction. You don’t take the time to get to know someone and pay attention to all the minor and major red flags…then you played yourself.

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