A New Chapter….Same Book

Ok, so some of you may have noticed that I've been on somewhat a hiatus as of late. I've been collecting my thoughts on several subjects and just wanted to filter them before I spread the curtain. I guess the main one would be on the subject of women, trust issues, etc. It's ironic that I almost made that one in the same of a genre of topics but in 2012 it seems to go hand in hand.. In my encounters with women, I've always believed in a kind of woman or a particular woman rather, that I'll be be able to trust 100% with everything I am. A mistaken preconception to say the least but it's not a bad thing. It's unfortunate, but only realistic and human that nobody can be trusted 100%. We can't even hold ourselves to our own expectations, much less meet someone else's. So I've been wondering if trust is an all or nothing deal or can you trust someone....kinda? It really changes my entire perception of the "perfect for me" girl. It was a blissful yet naive dream turned nightmare. Just like when you first wake up in the morning, and those initial moments, you're confused about where you are, what day it is, and what woke you up... well I'm trying to shake off the sleep and get on with my day to day. I never regret my past, because I always learn something with every person that goes through that revolving door of false alarms and close calls of love and friendship. For everyone knows that mistakes are only mistakes when you don't learn. So to every former "friend" and "true love", thank/fuck you for the lesson.... -Jaxn Share this:TweetShare on...

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Letter in a Bottle

You're probably wondering why this letter is in a bottle. Well I finally gave up on trying to get your new mailing address from your mother who insists I need to leave you alone. So maybe you and your new family will be on vacation and the waves may bring this to your feet. Just a few things I never told you or got off my chest. Too busy...loving love instead of trying to sustain it. I've been begging God for your visit, your call, but at this point I'll settle for you just reading this letter. Because I can't die without you knowing that I always loved you. Actions don't speak louder than those words because I know I didn't always show it. I mean I went 19 years knowing every kind of girl other than the one for me; was I supposed to get it right on the first try? You see, there I go making excuses again. I never should have lied to you. I never should have tried to make you feel guilty for wondering who else was on my mind. If I could do it all again, I'd walk the other way and come back once I was ready. Lord knows I wasn't ready, but he didn't tell me. No it's not his fault, see he knows what you deserve. So don't think of me happening to you as punishment for anything, you've done no wrong. Before the man for you came along, God sent me to show you what to never go back to. For that, I'm thankful because now you're happy. As for me, dying alone is inevitable. God used me just like I did him and I'd be a fool to think we were on any kind of good terms. I hope you still smile like you used to when you looked in the mirror and I told you how beautiful you were to me. That part was true and if you don't believe me, look again. I'm sure it hasn't changed. I have a question...Does he sneak up behind you then kiss you gently when you turn around? You used to love that. I know it's none of my business, but if I don't say it now, I may never have another chance. It would be nice to never have to make a mistake to learn from it. But I blew it. I wish I was half the man you thought I was then maybe we'd still be together. Missing you is so painful. My tears are making my vision a little blurry so maybe it's time for me end this letter. Maybe God will let me wait outside heaven's gates for you....just until you arrive, for one last...

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The Quiet After the Storm

If you've ever loved someone or thought you've loved someone and it's past tense now, you should be able to relate. Relationships tend to be a difficult yet sometimes rewarding part of life. It's usually difficult to trust a person with your sanity and emotional well-being but for the chance of happily ever after, we often do. I know I did. Everything seemed to be going well on the surface. She cooked, cleaned, and all of the other little things men look for in a serious relationship. But there was so much going on behind the scenes I had no knowledge of that when it all hit the fan...well you know. It wasn't exactly bliss. All of a sudden I had a rush of emotions I didn't recognize and thoughts I was scared of. For the things I wanted to do, I even judged myself. It's almost like someone pointed up and said, "No, that's downward now". I just had to re-grip reality for the first time ever. It was then that I realized that I was experiencing heartbreak and it was as horrific as advertised. The same way a person who recently was injured in an accident would have to re-learn basic functions, so did I. Waking up, looking at my phone, going grocery shopping, and all of those things I did before with her in mind I had to learn how to do again. The best thing I did was admit that this road would be long and difficult but also that I could make it. My stubbornness to let go of what I once believed was true was the same stubbornness telling me I couldn't do without her. But once I made that connection, I knew it was only a matter of time. This is what I call the quiet after the storm. After everything is said and done, when it's just you and your thoughts and the pending decision of what to do now...it's a very uncomfortable calm. When it's calm, you just take things one step at a time, don't miss details, and responsibly reflect from time to time. I strongly advise against Facebook/Twitter rants, violent retalitation, and listening to Adele. Hopefully whoever's the one for me is worth the learning lesson. I'm going to trust my perception of fate on that one. -Jaxn Share this:TweetShare on...

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Veni Vidi Vici

Today I went through a bit of a workshop with a fellow photographer at my school. We just went down the street and bounced ideas and tips while playing around with our cameras. During my poses, I found myself recollecting on my 5 years here at Tuskegee. I thought about every practice I went to hurt just to sit on the bench on saturday to watch my teammates play, the times I thought I had friends just to find out they were enemies well hidden, the time I wanted to start my organization and people laughed at the thought. But then...I thought about the chance I finally got to play and how I started every game afterwards. I thought about how those "friends" from before eventually dropped out of school and are going nowhere fast in life. I also thought about how I not only started my own organization, but led it for 2 very successful years of campus events and community service. God has kept me like he said he would. Even when I blew my whole refund check on a camera I didn't know how to use, a year later I pay my bills from being my own boss. No one can credit my success to any SGA title or Greek letter organizational affiliation...from the ground up I made me. What's ironic is, not once did I have me as the priority. Everything I did for my teammates, my friends, my campus and community was completely selfless. I believe that's the key to any success. As long as your purpose is bigger than you, God will see you safely to it. With him by my side, Veni Vidi Vici. Not sure what it means, Google it. lol  -Jaxn Share this:TweetShare on...

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